the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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