Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
