dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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