I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
