i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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