Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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