i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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