mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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