Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
