you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
