omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
