You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You are the jesus of drinking
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
