I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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