but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
