i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
