please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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