I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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