Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
