turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My bed smells like the plague
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
