Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
