We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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