Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
