i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
