dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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