I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
