I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
