yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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