why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
