im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
