She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
