Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
