My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
A+ Viking dick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
