we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
