Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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