omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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