11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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