The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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