I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
