Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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