last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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