sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So squirting runs in the family.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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