That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
