You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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