Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
