Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
