She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think i got beer on your cat.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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