I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
