Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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