dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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