he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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